A Second Chance

I'm not giving up, I'm just starting over.


This blog is not for you.
This blog is for me...
    
     This is a place where I will reveal my soul. Nothing held back, no filters, no unexpressed emotions. Everything posted here will be straight from my heart. This is the place where I will write with my heart, not my mind. The things I wish I could say, but can never speak. This is where they will go. This is the one place, where I will truly feel free to say what I need to say. You are more than welcome here, if you are willing to listen.

     The last few weeks of my life have been hell. I've never been more scared, I've never felt more helpless. I never realized how much I really had, and I never realized how much certain people meant to me. I cried, I suffered, I prayed. I prayed for a Second Chance, A New Beginning, a chance to fix it all. I just wanted to start again. I wanted to feel the beautiful feeling of love and friendship. I wanted to again feel the love I've tried so hard to ignore. I wanted my life back. 
     
     And now, here I am. And I've been given another chance to live my life the way I should have lived it the first time. Before my world was thrown upside down. Maybe it wasn't all bad, there was one thing good that came out of it. The journey through hell really opened my eyes and helped me to realize just how broken my life really was, and how broken it still is. How stupid I was for just being ok with it. Living day by day with all the depression, the heartache, the unexpressed emotions. The struggles; having a hard time trusting new people and having a harder time trusting the one I already knew. Living day by day on a routine that really only revolved on survival. I was to the point where I wasn't even alive anymore. I was more like a zombie than a human. I never realized how truly unhappy I was, and how unhappy i still am....

     I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of feeling worthless! Tired of looking in the mirror and seeing only a shadow of what I could be, of what I'm meant to be! I want to feel happy. I want to be able to smile and actually mean it. I want to be able to say I love you without questioning it. I want to learn to trust again, without any doubts. I want to have a friend whom I don't question "Why are you my friend?", I want to be able to fall asleep peacefully, instead of lying awake throughout the night wondering why I should even bother waking up. 

I want to be able to look up at the stars, and just dream again.

     I am not happy with who I am. But I look forward to what I will be. I'm done living like this. I know I have a long way to go. It's not going to be easy. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Because fifty years from now, I don't want to be the guy who looks back on his life and asks himself, "What If?", I want to be the guy who looks back and says, "I Did."