I Should Have Read This to You

This was an old blogpost I wrote a while ago. I rewrote it because I wanted to read it to you last night. But I was too scared. And by the time I worked on the courage and started to write, you left. So here it is. And maybe, just maybe, 

I'll be brave enough next time.

So I'm sitting here trying to write a love poem.

When really I just want an excuse talk to you.

I really did try hard to think about love, 

But all I thought about was you.

I Thought of You,

I Thought of Me,

I Thought of Our Last Memory.

And I Just Wanted to Say,

I'm Sorry.

I'm Sorry the last memory you have of me is the one I'm most ashamed of.

I'm Sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you how much you meant to me... 

How much you still mean to me...

I'm Sorry I failed your test, which is Ironic, because I'm always bragging about how well I do on tests.

I'm Sorry I walked out the door that day. Why did I walk out the door knowing you wouldn't follow? I hadn't the slightest idea, and I still don't. 

(This as far as I got before you left)

My heart told me to stay.

I really wanted to.

And I wonder what would have happened,

If I had followed my heart instead of my mind.

I hate myself!

I hate my mind!

I hate how I overthink everything ever!

I hate how I get so nervous when I'm around you!

but...

I love the way i feel around you.

I love it when I see that you're happy.

I love how you make me think.

I love how you give my heart a purpose.

All in All, I think I love you...

I think I love you...

But I don't think you love me too.

And that hurts... It hurts like hell.

I wish you loved me too.

I wish that I had the courage to tell you. 

But now it's too late.

And those words I never got to say,

All those feelings I never got to tell you,

Those hurt worst of all.

So if you're reading this right now, or I actually worked up the courage to read this on stage to you. Please don't feel bad. That wasn't my intention. You have no reason to feel bad. You didn't break me heart

No... I did that.

I broke my own heart.